NoNo, blue schlong and bag lady

On Friday, I taught a new freshman class that was about 20 kids.  I’m used to about 40/class and have to say I prefer having more personalities in the room, but that’s neither here nor there.  This particular class is about 95% girls with 3 undersized, pale and angst ridden looking chaps in the back.  As soon as I started in on my “hi im a stupid foreigner that will misspell words, leave early and always be off topic” speech, one boy starts shaking his head rather vigorously.

And he kept shaking.  Until I stopped talking.  I like this kid immediately.  He hates me, hates English.  Excellent.  Name?  Nope.  Just more head shaking with this mug on his face that reminds me of DeeBo from Friday.  I name him.  His name is NoNo.  He is the truth.

Bad students rock.  The worse, the better in my opinion.  However, NoNo is not a bad student.  He’s fucking Gandhi.  I’m not aware of non violent protest being taught in the Korean Educational System, so this kid must be reincarnated Gandhi.

“NoNo, can you open your book to page 12?”  Me. 

Keeps perfect eye contact, not a word, 1,000 yard-just did 2 tours in ‘Nam stare.  Without looking down, he opens book to page 12.  Impressive.  He tears out page 12.  Interesting.  He tears page 12 in half.  Its not a good page anyways.  He puts page 12 in his mouth.  Thinking of my black lab and his frothy tennis balls.  He eats half of page 12.  Still perfect eye contact.  Chews with mouth open.  I’ve never laughed so hard. 

I’ve witnessed history.  NoNo, without saying a god damn thing, has explained to me very clearly that he’s tired of this learning English bullshit and that his textbook is only worthwhile as a good source of fiber. 

Monday.  New schedule day.  5 minutes to first period.  No schedule has appeared.  Rage level 0.  In 10 minutes, doofy coworker will ask me why I’m not teaching my class.  Rage level +1.

Saw Watchmen.  I read the comic back in the day, makes movie much worse than it is.  Don’t read comic beforehand.  The stuff they skipped will really piss you off, but a couple of the scenes were captured masterfully.  The Comedian and Rorschact were done quite well.  They’re also the best characters in the book.  Not a bad flick, especially if you’re into blue uncircumsized schlong.  Loads of that. 

Coworker was early, only showed up 5 mins after class started.  Informed me that he will give me my “table tennis” next period.  Consider using paddle on his ass till it resembles blue schlong. 

Blue schlong.

My students rock.  They’ve realized I’m not into the textbook and begun to shape their own classes.  Talking about abortion, what dirt tastes like and bitchslapping is immensely satisfying.  First class was pretty rowdy, don’t like yelling over kids.  Just grabbed my chalk and folder, told them they were being assholes and I get paid whether or not I want to deal with their shit.  Began walking out of class.  Students succumb to Jedi mind trick and chill out. 

Rage level now 6.  +5 points to the “bag lady”.  I have two nemesi at school.  Bag lady, coined after the crazy hobo lady who used to live by friend’s house in Portland, ruined my lunch.  She had some sort of problem with the food that I selected.  Proceeded to stare at my tray and make comments to “Lung Cancer”, other teacher who has lung cancer, for 20 minutes.  Not sure of Bad Lady’s occupation here.  Possibly Head of Being a Bitch Department.  Probable tenure.  Normally, I ignore her shit, but its Monday.  If I get her labia in my face today, I will be pulling 12 inch pubes and mothballs out of my hair for the rest of the week.  Had enough.  Bag Lady doesn’t speak English, often bitches about me not speaking enough Korean.  Why do I want to speak Korean?  I have this wonderful barrier between my hearing drums and the constant oral sewage…  The office phone has been ringing for 3 minutes, no one picking it up.  Rage +1, level 7.

Asked Bag Lady if it was okay for me to eat.  Asked her what her problem was.  Asked her if she wanted my job.  Asked her if she like blue schlong. Kept staring.  Slam chopsticks on tray.  Slam tray on finished with tray area.  Slam door.  Slam Bag Lady’s face in car door repeatedly.  Not true. Plotting revenge on Bag Lady.  Need to locate cubby hole in which her shoes reside.  This aggression will not stand.

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6 Responses to “NoNo, blue schlong and bag lady”

  1. bravo Says:

    funny stuff.

  2. tharp42 Says:

    Good stuff. It’s nice to see some interesting writing, as opposed to the overly-earnest pablum half the bloggers on the pweb roll are spewing forth.

    • whiskeynexhaust Says:

      Gracias. I had to look up “pablum”. Good word. You two are the only Pweb bloggers I can read on a regular basis. Little bummed, really wanted some hater comments.

  3. tharp42 Says:

    Just keep at it. You’ll get your haters, I’m sure.

  4. scouser Says:

    ‘Little bummed, really wanted some hater comments.’

    You rang?

    Well kid its like this. See youre trying a bit too hard to be outre here. Fair enough; I’m all for giving some new blood a go but at the end of the day…its just another blog about another teacher in another korean hogwan.

    Love, Peace and ScoUsE

    • whiskeynexhaust Says:

      Public school bitch! I’m extremely disappointed. If your hating were defecation, I wouldn’t bother whipping afterwards. Where’s the bubbling curry landslide I crave? You were my first hater. Expected cherry to be popped methodically, with precision and a bit of vigor. Now I just have soiled prom dress. It wasn’t even in yet. This is me saying, “It’s okay. It happens to a lot of guys.”
      Also, dislike use of “kid”. Patronizing.
      Read your blog. Used all the knowledge I have gathered from watching Hugh Grant apologize for Johning on a transexual to deduce that you’re British. Two words. Enjoy Madonna.
      On a different note, have you seen “Clubbed”? Good flick.

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