PSAT’s and Van Damme vs. Seagal

Woke up late.  Got to work late.  Ran 10 red lights on way to school.  Top search for this garbage is “blue schlong”.  Coteacher informed me that there’s no class today because of PSAT’s for kids.  Leaving at noon, 3 hours to kill.  Perfect time to begin writing about the great debate.

Steven Seagal Vs. Jean Claude Van Damme

I think I’ve seen 95% of their movies.  80’s action flicks are incredible and watching B movie stars careers fading away is also awesome.  My fascination with them stems from a drinking game I used to play at home with my compadres.

How to play Steven Seagal Vs. Jean Claude Van Damme game;

Two player required.  One argues Segal, one Van Damme.  The object of the game is to successfully argue who would win in a fight, using their feature film titles as evidence.  Each player gets one turn each round.  The player that runs out of movie titles for their argument loses and has to take a 4 footer or a 5 count of sour mash. (A third play can be added, usually argues Chuck Norris, must be a B list action star)

Example;  Player 1=Seagal. Player 2=Van Damme.

P1- “Seagal is “Above the Law”.  He’d kill VD and get a promotion”

P2- “Van Damme has a “Lionheart” and cannot die”

P1- “Then Seagal would rub herpies on Van Damme’s balls, causing a “Fire Down Below”

P2- “VD is a “Cyborg” and has no balls”  (This is a good point, P1 is penalized)

P1- “Seagal will be angry that VD’s balls are “Out of Reach”, he’ll be “Out for Justice”

P2- “Won’t bother VD, he’s a “Hard Target”

And it continues like that for another 20 minutes.  Helps to have a peanut gallery to boo poor responses.  Being wasted is another key factor.


Part I:  Seagal vs. Van Damme — How Many Movies?

VD= Actor in 39 flicks.  From 1984 to present day with one in post production.  Writer or writing contribution in 8 films.  Producer 6 movies.  Editor 3 movies, and Director of 2.  Made appearance in Friends as himself, suggested a threesome.  Been on Letterman 3 times.

Seagal= Actor in 36.  Got started in 1984 as Martial Arts Coordinator. Producer 32.  Writer 9.  Wrote or performered soundtrack 6.  Director 1.  Hosted Saturday Night Live 6 times (once with Michael Bolton as musical act!  That’s entertainment!)  Made cameo on Rosanne as well.

How the numbers pan out.  VD +3 acting in movies with moving pictures, +3 Editing (I smell stat padding), and +1 directing.  Seagal “Pistol Whipped” Van Damme in Producer category, +26.  Hard to give him points for this, but +6 for soundtracks.

Not sure how to interpret this.  Can barely add in the first place.  I call a draw.  Seagal has a huge edge in Producing, but I suspect that’s because he’s the only one who wants to work with himself.

Part II:  Box Office Gross Figures

Van Damme –

Total Grosses; America = $448,682,976.

Worldwide = $728,874.324


Average Opening Weekend Gross = $6,585,579

These These numbers are a little skewed by the fact that he appeared in some of the movies, Last Action Hero and Breakin’, but wasn’t credited.  I’ll let it fly.


Total Grosses; America = $489,737,139.


Average Gross= $32,649,143

Average Opening Weekend= $8,544,115

Maybe should be a little higher on Total Gross and lower on Average Gross.  Can’t find data on his straight to video pictures he’s been making in the last few yars.  Still a decent benchmark.

Results.  Seagal has the edge in almost every category.  If numbers don’t like, Seagal is the bankable bet between the two in the States..  Notice that Van Damme’s Worldwide Gross is nearly even, call it a tie for world domination.

Part III.  The Bowel Movement

Apparently there is an underground movement that I shall coin “The Bowel Movement”.  Akin to my fascination, its main concern is The Great Debate.


Part IV.  Funny Pictures


Van Damme rocks world’s biggest stapler.  Potentially his straight to video DVD launcher


VanDamme.jpg van damme picture by Croslex What The Fuck.  Where’s your pants?  Calling Senator now to ask for legislation banning whatever this is.

Excellent.  Would like to buy unflexible high kick guy a beer.

Good luck sleeping tonight.

Call Guinness!

Call PETA!

Mental note.  Die before this happens.


Recommended beverage before slap fighting of any kind. Reminds me of


3 Responses to “PSAT’s and Van Damme vs. Seagal”

  1. bravo Says:

    You know far too much about these clowns.

    Not a fan of JCVD but saw a movie on OCN on Sunday night called THE ORDER which was mildly entertaining when he was wearing the Hassidic clothing and donning the long ‘payot’ sideburns with the Fiddler on the Roof music playing as he ran from the Israeli police.

    Offensive to Jewish people? Of course! Everything’s offensive to Jewish people.

    Today is indeed the koreawide hs testing day. I’m stuck here till 4:30 but I don’t care. I’m downloading Madeo goes to Jail, Paul Blart Mall cop and the lastest 30rock so I’ve got to stick around. Damn these slow computers and thank god for vapid forms of entertainment.

    That honky grandma be trippin!

  2. whiskeynexhaust Says:

    Don’t watch Paul Blart!!!

    Check this flick out. The Station Agent. No one knows about it. Its excellent. You can find it on Type it into the second, lower search box, hit enter and scroll down. Click on link. Scroll down on next page and click on the link with the huge address. Its the only one that works. A bit slow to load, but worth the wait.

  3. bravo Says:

    I’ll check it out. Looks interesting. As for Paul Blart…I know it will be stupid, but I need stupidity to help me relate to the world around me.

    Perhaps I’d be okay if I could get some EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES

    Also I like movies that are named after people. Milk, Charlie Bartlet, Billy Jack, Ace Ventura…

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