Pretty standard Monday morning. Didn’t crash bike, wasn’t late, and relatively sober. Nice weather. Had a good weekend. Clobbered liver on Friday, shot some people on Saturday, slept a lot, made some pulled pork sandwiches on Sunday, then watched Eastbound and Down.
Bag Lady shuffled right by me. Someone cleaned and waxed the crappy hardwood floors. School is giant, dry skating rink. Doing sweet power slides to first class. Stewardess, the greatest/perkiest student ever, pops out in front of me pointing finger. Disengage power slide, slip and skid to a stop.
TEACHER!! I SAW YOU!! ABOVE LEVEL ABOVE LEVEL ABOVE LEVEL!!!!
Okay. See you in class.
Slide open door to first class and am immediately showered in ABOVE LEVEL!!! 40 kids in unison. I’m jealous, I can’t get them to do anything at the same time. Kind of dumbfounded. Kids are having great, great time with this. Figure go with it.
A little background on Stewardess. She wants to be a doctor, but I think she’d be the best stewardess ever. Explained.
She hushes class from their chorus.
Teacher! I saw you. GIRLFRIEND!! ABOVE LEVEL ABOVE LEVEL ABOVE LEVEL ABOVE LEVEL!!! HAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!
Kids are cackling like I just peed my pants. Ask for a little more explanation and get the jist. Stewardess believes that my girlfriend, who’s not Korean, is way too hot for me. Have no problem with this, but realize that I’m going to be eating ABOVE LEVEL sandwiches all day.
What can go wrong? Ask Stewardess to describe girlfriend. Students are very impressed with her summary. She’s not satisfied. Runs up to board, grabs chalk, scribbles furiously. Caricature of girlfriend looks like Jessica Rabbit (Roger Rabbit’s wife… you know… from Who Framed Roger Rabbit… Bob Hoskins was in it… Christopher Lloyd was the judge that hated ‘toons’ and dipped them in barrels of chemicals with “not just ordinary” gloves… I digress). Draws me next. Look like Quasimoto with ebola. Happy class. Continue talking for rest of period about how inadequate I am compared to her. She’s Lee Hyo Ri (or Lee, can’t remember… the fucking singer) and I’m E Myung Bak. She’s a supermodel and I am the monster from The Host. Learn that I am not housebroken as well.
This keeps going for next 3 classes. Ever play the telephone game? Tried it with 500 bored high school students that know where you are all day? Throw in some freshly buffed hardwoods and you’ve got a party. By last period, my gal’s tits are rumored to be the size of China, but not dirty like China. Very clean. She’s also 8 feet tall and has 4 sets of perfect teeth. Not sure how that’s hot, but they were digging it. Exhausted at end of day and beginning to wonder if Stewardess has a point. Only have one set of teeth. Not perfect. Kid in last period class asks how to get ABOVE LEVEL. Has look in his eyes like I hold some ancient secret. Give him the truth. Learn to cook and give lots of head, but not shitty head. That’s detrimental to the cause. Skip explanation of head.
Off the the grocery store I go. Real spaghetti and garlic bread tonight. Like being ABOVE LEVEL.