Archive for April, 2009

Im Back Bitches

April 13, 2009

I’ve been on hiatus.  Just didn’t have any motivation to slog this crap out. 

Last Friday, I officially packed it in.  Spent all my classes making paper cranes with the kids.  There’s look pretty good, mine look like snot.  Been practicing though. 

Went to Gyeongju this weekend with the woman and the bike.  I’ve seen about 1,400 blogs on hiking/temples/this/that/the other fucking thing… horseshit!  Rather look at your latest dental x-rays.  So I will proceed to bitch about everything.  After all, I’m American.  It’s what we do.  We bitch, talk too loud and could careless about Canadian geography.  Newfoundland’s west coast, right? 

Driving to Gyeongju was about as pleasant as playing tonsil hockey with a cattle prod.  What the fuck.  I know that orderly planning isn’t exactly Korean’s strong point, but the routes there are abysmal.  Maybe the freeway planner, way back when, was just too hungover to do any work so he gave it to his 3 year old son who went ape-shit on it with a 64 pack of crayolas.  Maybe the planner wasn’t feeling so well after eating too much spaghetti, tossed his cookies on the plan, and passed this off as a topographical map to his boss.  See boss, the tomato chunks are mountains and the noodles are the roads. 

Jackasses.

Could argue that a map would have helped, but I had a map of Gyeongju that was extremely precise if you looked at it through a kaleidoscope. 

Tastes Like Finger Ale. Made a batch of Octoberfest Ale on Friday night which turned out really well.  Smelled like heaven.  Unfortunately, the shit Korean equipment I was using decided not to function properly and began leaking.  Handled it like any red blooded male should.  Went into the emergency stairwell, closed the door and belted out a few “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK”s, then calmly re-approached the problem.  Ended up “sanitizing” my left arm and sticking it into the beer to get at the fucked valve to fix it.  This is a big no-no, any sort of bacteria isn’t welcome in homebrew flavor country, but it worked and I haven’t noticed any fingernail taste yet.

Back to Gyeongju.  Went to Gyeongju World, which is an amusement park.  Had one good ride, but it was fun to dork around.  Reminded me of Oaks Park in Portland, but shinier with less carnies.  They freak me out.  Tried to follow excellent tourist map back to hostel, couldn’t find a stairwell to yell in.  Just muttered a lot in helmet.

Finally got back.  Informed the chesty one that I must imbibe on chicken and beer.  She suggested soju, she’s a keeper.  Meandered into the worst chicken/beer/soju restaurant on the peninsula.  Sat for 20 minutes with no service, watching a SURLY (and I mean this old bag was gnarly, even for an adjumma) lady fry shit then drop it on the floor then put it in take out boxes.  Finally, went to fridge to grab some booze, got accosted by bitchjumma who couldn’t understand “gimme some fucking soju” in Korean.  Luckily, there were some drunk, rowdy adjossis who reveled in giving her shit.  They were helpful.  Proceed to get hammered, considered dashing, but decided against it.  She wouldn’t have noticed.  Next time.

Went to a potluck on Sunday night.  Not my shindig, so I had to keep my trap shut.  Really wanted to lay into people for coming to a potluck, but not cooking anything.  I mean how fucking dense are you?  Awesome, I actually cooked and you brought Hite.  Fucking sweet.  How about a door in the face?  Next time, we’ll just cook, the few of us that did, and you fuckers can go get pig fat and Cass.  Sometimes I wish I was Buzzsaw, and life was just one big episode of The Running Man (sans the part where Arnold cuts my junk in half with my own chainsaw).

In conclusion, fuck Monday.

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Lie Day

April 1, 2009

Today is not April Fools’ here in Korea.  It’s Lie Day.  When I walked into faculty room this morning I thought it was Everyone Beat Your Student’s Ass Day.  Every single teacher, minus principal, was going ape shit on one kid or another.  They even switched kids.  Big swingers orgy of physical and verbal abuse.  All that was missing was some BSDM gear and a video camera.  Damn good thing they don’t have guns here or it would Columbine Day twice a week.

Sophomores in first class had prank all set up.  Al-Qaeda, my best story-telling student, offers some candy.  Should have looked, but was talking to kids while opening wrapper.  Popped it in mouth and bite down.  Class erupts in hysteria.  Strange texture and bad taste.  Yup, that’s an eraser.  They were nice enough to cover it in marker.  Good one Al-Qaeda. 

Said fuck the textbook, lets just have Al-Qaeda tell us a story.  His version of The Odyssey; “Teacher at Lotte Giants game.  Drunk!  Climb wall and run.  Very fast.  Hit other team pitcher in face.  Very famous in Busan.  Everyone cheers and drink soju.  Run out and throw bomb!  Boom!  Everyone die.  Then go with me.  We team now.  Go to teacher’s house.  Go to teacher’s house 2 in Japan.  Throw bomb.  Go to Dokdo.  3rd house.  Go to teacher college.  Boom!  Russia.  Boom!  Steal atom bomb from Russia.  Go to moon.  See Mars people.  They say, “Gooweegooo”, but we don’t understand so kill mars people.  Then back to moon.  Teacher’s 4th house.  Meet Armstrong.  We new team.  Start society.  Drink soju.”  Wish I had a picture of the diagram that went along with this.  Nice mural of destruction.

Like everyone at a high school, I decide to take it out on the freshman.  Next class, entered with stack of paper and serious look.  Wrote on board that today was a pop quiz that would determine 50% of their English grade for the year.  Lots of whining, but they submit without too much fuss.  Topic was the historical relationship between Korea and America.  End test abruptly after 40 minutes.  There’s about 5 minutes left in class.  Write “Happy 만 우 절” on board after collecting papers.  They were PISSED.  Settled down eventually, but got a lot of “TEACHA! PUCK YOU!  YOU WHITE DEBIL!”  Stupid freshmen. 

After lunch, one of the other teachers left a rice cake on the window sill.  Almost everyone was in the room and said window was open.  A glorious magpie, embracing the spirit of April 1st, decided to steal the rice cake.  Bird landing in sill causes mass panic.  Looked like someone threw a case of Olde English in a chimpanzee cage.  I saw the bird land and didn’t see the imminent danger.  They were so spooked that they broke the sliding door during the stampede.  Glass went everywhere and door smashed down stairs.  Was left cackling in chair and clapping for magpie.

Happy Lie Day to you, victorious magpie.  You are my ally.  Enjoy your prize.