Today is not April Fools’ here in Korea. It’s Lie Day. When I walked into faculty room this morning I thought it was Everyone Beat Your Student’s Ass Day. Every single teacher, minus principal, was going ape shit on one kid or another. They even switched kids. Big swingers orgy of physical and verbal abuse. All that was missing was some BSDM gear and a video camera. Damn good thing they don’t have guns here or it would Columbine Day twice a week.
Sophomores in first class had prank all set up. Al-Qaeda, my best story-telling student, offers some candy. Should have looked, but was talking to kids while opening wrapper. Popped it in mouth and bite down. Class erupts in hysteria. Strange texture and bad taste. Yup, that’s an eraser. They were nice enough to cover it in marker. Good one Al-Qaeda.
Said fuck the textbook, lets just have Al-Qaeda tell us a story. His version of The Odyssey; “Teacher at Lotte Giants game. Drunk! Climb wall and run. Very fast. Hit other team pitcher in face. Very famous in Busan. Everyone cheers and drink soju. Run out and throw bomb! Boom! Everyone die. Then go with me. We team now. Go to teacher’s house. Go to teacher’s house 2 in Japan. Throw bomb. Go to Dokdo. 3rd house. Go to teacher college. Boom! Russia. Boom! Steal atom bomb from Russia. Go to moon. See Mars people. They say, “Gooweegooo”, but we don’t understand so kill mars people. Then back to moon. Teacher’s 4th house. Meet Armstrong. We new team. Start society. Drink soju.” Wish I had a picture of the diagram that went along with this. Nice mural of destruction.
Like everyone at a high school, I decide to take it out on the freshman. Next class, entered with stack of paper and serious look. Wrote on board that today was a pop quiz that would determine 50% of their English grade for the year. Lots of whining, but they submit without too much fuss. Topic was the historical relationship between Korea and America. End test abruptly after 40 minutes. There’s about 5 minutes left in class. Write “Happy 만 우 절” on board after collecting papers. They were PISSED. Settled down eventually, but got a lot of “TEACHA! PUCK YOU! YOU WHITE DEBIL!” Stupid freshmen.
After lunch, one of the other teachers left a rice cake on the window sill. Almost everyone was in the room and said window was open. A glorious magpie, embracing the spirit of April 1st, decided to steal the rice cake. Bird landing in sill causes mass panic. Looked like someone threw a case of Olde English in a chimpanzee cage. I saw the bird land and didn’t see the imminent danger. They were so spooked that they broke the sliding door during the stampede. Glass went everywhere and door smashed down stairs. Was left cackling in chair and clapping for magpie.
Happy Lie Day to you, victorious magpie. You are my ally. Enjoy your prize.